Maturing through Grief

This is my story about overcoming grief. As it is a story told from my perspective it is neither right nor wrong. Simply as I see it, it is.

Why write this story? So many people who have taken the time to write of their journeys through significant loss enabled me to start to see the light again after 6 short months. What I hadn’t realised was that despite the darkness that Nathan’s death brought, I started to live again. I could live again and this is worth sharing.

I have endured and remained resilient through a lot of loss in my life. I’ve been blessed with a positive disposition and outlook so this has been balanced with joy. Still, the loss I have had has been significant. My breast cancer diagnosis at the age of 29 saw the end to a possibility of mothering my own child. During my 30’s my marriage to Sean ended after 21 years together. I experienced the pain of the deaths of my father-in-law, my Dad and my childhood friend Lianne. And my lovely little fur-babies Billy and Tyla went to doggy heaven.

Throughout my journey I have been blessed by the love of my Higher Power – our Biblical God. Please do not let this deter you from reading on any further. I think it is important to say this, as it gives my life context. Without my faith and the love of the communities of Church that I have been privileged to enjoy in my life, I doubt I would be where I am in my walk of life today had it not been for the love and fellowship of my brethren.

Nathan and I were in a relationship on and off over 4 years. We had lived together and been engaged. Our relationship was dysfunction and toxic at times, however, I was powerless over my attraction to him. How he lived his life seemed insignificant at the time. It was how he made me feel that kept me drawn to him.

With all the loss I had experienced during my 30’s, what defined this loss as different, was that in all the others I had time to grieve. Time to prepare. Time to get used to life never going to be the same again. Whereas Nathan died suddenly and unexpectedly. Death came like a thief in the night. There were no goodbyes, no romantic holding him as he took his last breaths. He died alone and we never got to say goodbye.

I recall the first 2 months after his death the crippling pain of waking every day with the knowledge that he was never coming back. I felt like every part of my being was exposed and was burning. It was relentless. Despite the darkness, the irony was that I was very much alive, as every minute felt like an hour and I endured every one.

Mother Nature was so incredibly kind to me. Every hour of every day Mother Nature is kind to me, but I never saw it. I remember sitting in my lounge staring out over the Hindhead forest and the universe gave me so much. Stars at night despite the frost and cold. Full moons. Beautiful sunsets and sunrises despite it being winter. The changing of colours of the leaves to in fact, no leaves at all. The stature of the trees and the stories they could tell of their survival against the odds. The multitude of birds chirping and the beauty of snow, frost, cloud, rain and sunshine. It was as if the whole universe was there to smile at me and offer me its hand in comfort. And comfort I took.

I took long walks every day. I admired every bit of beauty in every day. It made my days more manageable and I survived every one.

This week just gone, I had paused and I was reminded of how I had slipped back into old ways of placing such unimportant things as priorities when they were not. Meditation, rest, being grateful to God for all I had, exercise and eating healthily had all fallen by the wayside. Why? Because I let them.

As I started to think again on Nathan and how his life was suddenly taken from him, I remembered how guilty I felt at surviving him. Not guilty in that I had in any way contributed to his untimely death, but that I had this chance to live, really live and how to make the most of every day, uncompromisingly.

This I can only do by the grace of God and through slowing down to be grateful for all the beauty of Mother Nature and the love that she gives me every day. Through stilling my mind in meditation, to be reminded that I am here but by Grace and that just as easily as that, I too, could be gone.

I think on what legacy I want to leave behind me. How can I live on in the hearts of those I touch every day? It’s not what I do, but how I make them feel that is important to me. How did an interaction with Rosalind leave you?

Love. That is the legacy I want to leave. Thank you to Mike, Dad, Lianne and Nathan. You live on in my heart and I listen out for you every day in my forest walk.